mrsjoaniebnh's Blog

Fitting a social construct, is what we "transgender" do, because we are forced to,

If we want to exist at the same social status as everyone else we met in public.
This is an excerpted from a conversation with a dear dear friend struggling to balance her gender expression with his marital family and life. I thought this point to be important enough to share.

  Just to bring up something that we seem to see beginning to surface, (in contrast to what main stream wants to see). Men, at least some, those like us or at varying degrees from us (who are Transgender or to some lesser degree are effeminate), who have a feminine quality. Would I believe, without the constructs of social sex binaries, be happy at a level that would make us happy but for the limits society places on us, not allowing this "femininity" to exist at any level. As a result, some of us who are in some manner "feminine" enough to desire to express it. Need to compensate for the social pressure, should be not be brave enough to just be effeminate men. In this befuddlement, we must transform our self image to that of a woman, to be seen as a viable persona, or at least this is the perception, so that we are not confused as homosexual men. I think that is so sad, and so limiting to the possibility of what a man can be. (Kudos to all the gay man who have pride in themselves for who and what they are!). This concept isn't much different from when women couldn't do things that were thought to be only things for a man to do.

Now please, I'm not a scholar and this is just my opinion based on my experiences in the world. These opinions are strong in me, and I believe the real truth in humanity. Only time will prove me right or wrong. I just want to reiterate, "Our only desire to be female, unless we are so distraught with our genitalia, is because we believe we have to conform to the social construct of female and to that feminine men are looked down upon. I mean, strong women are revered, it only makes sense that we would want to present as women totally, to be revered. Who in our case would not?

I know this is going to disturb some of you

"The only issue if your male and in any way feminine/transgender/transsexual", is what society does discourage and to not recognize that men can be effeminate. It makes claims constantly and bolsters those claims with words and feelings that are hurtful and harmful if you can not live up to them because of your inner personal drive and feelings. What harm to society can happen because a few young males feel feminine? It is very much the same thing as those who believe being gay is being detrimental to society. "They are not" and neither are feminine men. We have finally lifted women out of the confines of being chattel, but sadly we have ignored the constraints we as a society place on men. You see, if men do not hold to the vision society places on them, then they are inferior! I'm sorry, but this is just bunk. Each and every individual has value. To force them to conform to some construct, because of their birth sex is unfair. The gradation of gender between the sexes is large, and we as a society have seen what  those constraints have done to women and have move in a direction to cast them off so that women can fulfill their greatest potential. It's time we get off this concept that, "if a boy does not become manly or masculine, he is a failure"! We should know by now that each and everyone of us has a potential and a limit, and it should not be based on what happens to appear between our legs.


From my input to a favorite blog "femulate"

 I love your "absolutely" answer to family first questions.

For many of us, a full time transition or lifestyle of the feminine kind is interrupted by our families, as it should be (we are good moms and wives inside). Not to ignore the seriousness of some and the "Transxiety" of what and who we are, I understand that many put "themselves" first and in only those cases of sever mental anguish, a family having to deal with you as a different gender is better then dealing with a dead parent.

I think to many take the pink pill rather easily,  and do so only because they can! Or even because others are. Actually I've come to think that most of us who can give up ourselves in favor of others are just more gender fluid then those "having to transition" or those born stereotypically gender aligned. I actually believe that we are just feminine males, juxtaposed to the masculine female in our society. It is my opinion that the important thread with in all of us here is, "If only we were allowed to be that feminine male"? I think there would be a lot less "transxiety". I'm sure a woman who can wear pants and a plan shirt is expressing herself in her unconsciousness knowing that she is a woman but not a feminine woman. Feminine and masculine are expressions of self image, male and female are biological sex. We see everyday people who are male or female lean to a gender expression that is their comfort level and is acceptable in society.When we add unacceptable social pressures to the mix, you limit some with or by a discomfort about themselves.

(a response)


  • I love the sentence "If only we were allowed to be that feminine male, I think there would be a lot less transxiety". I have not seen the word 'transxiety' before but I think it is a welcome addition to the "T" lexicon. It seems to be a common theme with "T" people across the spectrum that we feel more relaxed and at ease with less stress if we are given the freedom/room/opportunity to dress and present in a feminine fashion. I know that dressing makes me feel good. I will now think that dressing will serve to address and easy my 'transxiety'.
  • Pat

O Beautiful Child of Ours

When he came into this world

he let out a gentle cry.

Average length average weight

he had daddy's nose and momma's eyes.


The nurses bathed him and dressed him

then wrapped him like a tight glove.

Then gave him to his mother

who held him close with love.


Days turned into weeks and then into months

as he grew and grew.

Before long he was taking small steps

first one then two.


On his first birthday he received

toy trucks and cars and a bouncy ball.

What caught his eye the most

was a beautiful baby doll.


Everywhere he went

he would hold the doll close.

Mother always saw this

but daddy noticed the most.


As time went on

his dad would push him away.

His mom held him closer

but dad couldn't stay.


His mother knew then

that nothing would stop her now.

To let her little man grow

into a beautiful child.


He loved pink and glitter

and played with his tea set.

Then told his mother one day

to please get him a beautiful dress.


Once in his first dress

he gave it a twirl.

His mother saw then

he will make such a beautiful girl.


That first trip to the doctor

would be one to remember.

She found out that day

her son was transgendered.


Because of what the doctor

had said to her that day

She had to let Randy

start living as Renee.


Several years have passed now

and Renee is older.

Of all the people I've known

there are none bolder.


So if you come across a transgendered child

please give them a big hug.

It is so important that they know

that they are loved.

  •  Anonymous Dad

My makeup tip

For those of us who were born  with to much testosterone, don't by nature have the smoothest skin. So keeping it clean and moisturized is an absolute must! It has to be part of your everyday regime. Even a couple of times a day is better. I moisturize morning noon and night. And especially when I come back in from being outside (we are almost always outside exposed to the sun or the dirt even if it's just the dust in the air). Sun screen is always a must! Exfoliating helps too. Believe it or not, I take my make up off with a scouring pad, (a kitchen sponge with scotchbrite on the back) lol (sometimes I do it just to think I'm scrubbing the boy away)

When I've got that clean face, and I'm putting my make up on, I start with a moisturizer, then go get dressed (allowing time for the cream to be absorbed). Then it's on with one of those face tightening cream.

I like these products (oil of old lady)

Another trick and advantage that I have, is my perfect head, (god only made so many perfect ones, the rest god covered with hair! lol) So what I can do is Tape, Yes that's right, I put transparent stretchy tape on my head, at the temples, behind my ears and above the arches at my defined brows. Doing this pulls my skin up, giving me the same appearance one gets from a face lift resulting in smoother skin, higher arches and higher cheek bones.

Once cleaned creamed and lifted, it's time for the sculpting and foundation. By sculpting I mean highlighting that which I want to enhance and shadowing that which I mean to hide. Highlight and shadowing are very important in creating a feminine face. I start with the area below my cheeks using dark blush (color and tone that compliments my complexion) as well as my temples and jaw line to narrow and round my face. I'll lift my cheeks with a lighter powder. Next it's a cream foundation and it's always darker then my complexion and only used as a beard cover in the beard area (I'm starting to go gray, so I don't need as much cover, one good thing about aging). I use mineral powders to blend and the complete work, as I think liquids crack and show to many imperfections in our already imperfect skin. Remember, light foundations will not cover beards and will bring out the contrast between beard and skin tone, especially if you have a dark beard shadow.  Again, I only use the liquid in a small amount (building layers does not work and it emphasis the deep pores in our skin.) Once that is done I power with a bare minerals like foundation in the color that is my own skin tone. (are you a warm, a cool, or a neutral, It makes a difference) To buy the right foundation color look at the tone under your wrist. Is it yellow or blue? Yellow = warm, blue = cool, not sure = neutral (neutrals are a crap shoot and you need to experiment with tone and color) So be sure to notice if the foundation is a warm or cool and then check again your under wrist color and match it with your skin color not tone. Color and tone are not the same. Once you've got your sculpting and beard cover done. Blending  it all together is very important, and I do this as I apply my powder/mineral based makeup. Always brushing the foundation outward with a large powder brush and/or a pad, (I buy big soft round pads for this).

The rest is just catching the right light and posing at the right positions. It's all about your grace, demeanor and charm. All the makeup in the world isn't going to do a blessed thing, if your still presenting in the awkward lanky ways men often do. Grace is a woman! She never lifts her nose higher then the dimples on her face. No really putting your head back in an "I'm proud of me" stuck up pose might be awesome for someone with "the look" but it is never faltering to people like us. Your shoulders should always be back, your neck stretched forward, (a photographer calls this a turtle neck) your face should tip slightly down all the time. and smile girl, it makes everyone in the room feel good which makes you look damn good and much more like a woman to them. Men have a way of being stoic avoid that at all cost! And remember to have fun!

YOU Go Gurls!

Healthy Moring Breakfast Bar variation.

1 cup Almond butter
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup butter (melted)
1 egg beaten
1 cup honey or maple syrup or agave syrup to taste. (I prefer 1/2 and 1/2 honey and maple syrup!)
3 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp almond extract
3 1/2 cups Old fashioned rolled oats (Instant Quaker Oats works too)
1 cup Coconut Chocolate M&Ms (original recipe called for 1/2 cup shredded coconuts and 1/2 cup of semi sweet chocolate bits)
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
1/2 cup of dried cherries (raisins or dates or any other dried fruit if you don't like cherries but I think they work best)

Mix liquid ingredients together first, stir in dried fruit and and nuts, then slowly add rolled oats. Mixture will thicken as you add oats stir until constant with a paste.

Press into a 9 x 13 buttered baking pan and cook at 350 degs for 20-25 mins. When done (just starting to turn dark around the edges) remove from oven, score the top into bars and let cool. Remove from Pan and cut into bars along scores.


Shop for valentines (or anything) at JCPennies

Tomorrow is a great day to go shopping, and if you do, do it at JCPenny's. You will be supporting Ellen Degeneres, whom if you didn't know, is their ad spokes person. The is an advocate group called million mom's that want executives at JCP to fire Ellen because she represents bad family values.. Help to say no to these ignorant miss guided moms by shopping at JCP Sunday Febuary 11. What better valentine could we give!

The friends in your circle, who are they, and why are they there?

I've been on EPfor probably a few months now, and have acquired a number of friends in my circle, and that's great! I try not to deny anyone that asks for a friendship.

Most of my friends here fall someplace on the T scale. They may be closeted fetish types, Cross dressers who have to hide from their wives an aspect of themselves that should be held in high esteem, because most married heterosexual cross dressers that I know of of have heard of try hard everyday to do the best for their families their wives their jobs, and hold themselves back because of the fear of loosing those things.. There are Transsexuals on my list who do the best they can everyday to live the life they always felt they should have been able to from birth. Not an easy thing when you switch genders in the middle of life tracks.

I also have some regular (not sure what that means other then they are not similar to me) people as friends in all their wonder and beauty, trials and tribulations.  The what that they bring here and to my self is a joy to be hold. They especially give me confidence that people are beginning to understand that gender isn't just what you were born. it's the way you live.

The first reason I came onto EP was following a link for Transgender Children as in raising boys that want to be girls, or letting a boy who is feminine express this. Or even the situations where some female part of a family has initiated allowing/letting/showing/teaching a feminine value/life not usually taught to boys. To see it's acceptance commonality.To my dismay, most still insist teaching a boy anything thought to be female only is a disservice to that child. But that's not why I am writing this book, and it's not something I want to argue, because feelings in the negative are strong and that it's the most important thing to me now.

I just want to bring up friends on the internet, our circle lets say, those who in some way want to connect with someone that inspires, delights, turns on, or may express similar wants needs and likes. Some are quite vocal when they join my circle, some our as quite as a Church mouse. Though I would love for everyone to speak up and say what is on their minds when every they want, I know they will not. (though if everyone did, it's doubtful that I would be able to keep up with the email. So, friends in my circle and friends to be in my circle. don't be shy, I'm an open book, and I don't bite. If you want to say something say it, if you don't don't I don't mind. There are only a few things I do, and it usually revolves around behaviors of the pornographic lewd or promiscuous kind.

So friends, know that I appreciate each and everyone of you. And will try my best to give you what you came to me for if I can. The world needs people as friends. And I don't care what others say about having to accumulate numbers of them or those who connect and don't speak. It's the internet for Pete's sake, it doesn't cost me one red cent more if I have one friend or 1000.

Write to me, and I will always try to answer, it's just who I am.

Thanks! <3

You don't have to be one or the other.

This blog has been marked as containing adult content. Your current adult settings prevent you from seeing it. Please go to your account settings page and change your settings to allow adult content to view this blog

1-8 of 8 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Fitting a social construct, is what we "transgender" do, because we are forced to,, posted October 29th, 2013
I know this is going to disturb some of you, posted October 7th, 2013
transxiety, posted July 20th, 2013, 2 comments
O Beautiful Child of Ours, posted February 15th, 2013, 3 comments
My makeup tip, posted August 30th, 2012
Healthy Moring Breakfast Bar variation., posted June 14th, 2012, 2 comments
Shop for valentines (or anything) at JCPennies, posted February 11th, 2012, 2 comments
The friends in your circle, who are they, and why are they there?, posted January 29th, 2012, 5 comments
You don't have to be one or the other., posted January 22nd, 2012

Here are some friends' blogs...

How to Embed Photos in your Blog Embed Photos How to Embed Videos in your Blog Embed Videos